Rat menace has gripped the Commonwealth Games (CWG) venues and entourage accommodation in New Delhi, India. The fact was brought out in the recent vigilance report by the Central Vigilance Commission (CVC) on preparations for the CWG (lots of abbreviations, eh?). It had come to the notice of vigilance sleuths that the partially constructed stadiums and residential complexes had a grave rodent problem and a red flag was raised on the issue in the said report.
On further investigation and root cause analysis, the real reason was unearthed by the sleuths. A rat, going by the name of Mucchad (Hindi equivalent of a person with whiskers), did a Ratatouille and spoke to the CVC sleuths. Mucchad’s interrogation led the investigators to a revelation of magnanimous proportions, that could shake up the whole Commonwealth Games Organising Committee (CGOC) set-up.
Mucchad revealed that it was decided through a 20,000 to none consensus (India is a democracy and the rats share the ideology as well) at the weekly meeting some 5 months back, that the rats would not consume rat poison that was placed strategically to eliminate them, however tempting the ‘bait’ be. On further prodding he revealed the reason for such a unanimous decision. Mr. M, as he likes to be called, said that the rats were not willing to consume the rat poison as it cost the CGOC (see, another commonly used abbreviation) INR 5,489.99 a piece a rat. Mr. M further elaborated that the rat poison that they encountered in the CWG premises was of lower quality and that they would rather enjoy Mortein Rat Kill (in-story advertising) as their last meal. All 20,000 of them concurred that it is unethical to have such a costly last meal.
Our reporter, Napolean Beardo, went to have a tete a tete with Mr. M and found out that the rat community was appalled by the useless and unwarranted expenditure in the name of organising CWG. Mr. M sympathised with the human lot residing in India and said, “I don’t know (squeak) how you guys are bearing this. Aren’t your taxes, that’s what you call them right, going down the drain? That place is heaven for us, even metaphorically, but seriously, you guys are getting a raw deal! Just yesterday, I was scourging some food and I overheard this human inside a box saying that INR 400,000 were paid for one of those boxes that keep the place cool! I almost skipped a squeak at that!”.
Mr. M continued, “I am still happy that this tax thing of yours was plundered by the bearded guy and his cronies as there will be lesser of your so-called development. Lord squeaky, may his squeaks rest in peace, knows how bad it is for us rats. Look at these e-mails that I am getting from earlier undeveloped havens from East-Europe, the development is just killing our habitat! People are getting more money and they suddenly don’t like us in their homes. Fortunately, since your taxes are not directed to development, our beloved homes will stay and we are planning further expansion of our colonies to areas where this money could have spelled doom for us.”
Just as our reporter was about to ask another question, Mr. M stopped him and said, “Son, go file your tax return. It would make you realise that the stupid job that you do and the money that you get, is taking you no-where as the bearded guy‘s friends are enjoying on that tax money. I have to leave now. You go file your tax return.”